The Candy Factory By Anxiety/Dbug
There once was a teddy-weddy bear named Somebody420 who dealt candy to all the other animals in the factory. They all knew the big, bad bear liked to lick lollipops but he had a foxy girlfriend. The animals gossiped among themselves, concerned about the bear’s days spent shut in his office blazing up the room with his Rainbow Wafer Bong. While the animals loved the scent of the smoke pouring out his room - chocolatey with a touch of mint and marshmallow - his girlfriend was concerned about his solitude. She would put her paw on his shoulder and look into his eyes for any sign of affection she could - but lately, his eyes had been lifeless, void, empty of that usual silver twinkle that glazed over his pupils as she graced the room with her presence. But, she was away on holiday and he was left to keep the animals on schedule and under control. They had to send out 200 boxes of candy out by Thursday and they had packed … nothing. Bunnies and snakes and wolves alike sat, talking and gossiping and… not working. No, no, this would not do. He set down his wafer bong and resolved to go talk to his employees. Perhaps this could all be sorted out.
He commanded the attention of the room as soon as his office door opened. His office door never opened. He made his way downstairs amid loud cheers as he descended the stairs and was met with a loud bark - a yelp of excitement. “My boss has come downstairs and I love my boss because he is the bestest and he has come downstairs.” He chuckled, something he rarely did, although it came out more high-pitched than normal as he smoothed his brown fur and did his best to compose his appearance. “Yes, hello, Beth. Today, I need quarterly reports from you all. How many boxes have you each sold?” The animals lined up, mostly eager to report their sales. “Tom, how many have you sold?” A loud hiss. “Ssssseven, sssir.” A forked pink tongue flitted in and out of a thin mouth. The bear nodded, smoothing his fur and moving onto the next in line. “Ver, how about you?” A caw pierced his ears and made him stagger backward. “Tweet. Twelve. Tweet.” “Good, good.” This process continued as he endured the various sounds each of his employees would spontaneously make upon being questioned. He roared loudly, signaling the end of a day as he headed back towards his office.
That night, when going over the quarterly reports for how much candy was boxed, he noticed something odd. The reports had been steadily declining but how could they have been declining if they were selling almost 30,000 (an all-time high for the company) a day? The whole affair seemed a bit fishy and he was utterly baffled. What if he couldn’t provide an answer to headquarters? Puzzled but determined to resolve it in the morning, he switched off his night light and rolled over for bed.
When morning finally arrived, the bear made up his mind to spend the day investigating the matter by observing his employees’ behavior. He descended the stairs and saw the animals all sitting and gossiping upon various boxes throughout the factory. He thought it odd that the animals were just talking when they were so far behind schedule, and so he formulated a genius plan to discover the animals’ source of entertainment all day and figure out who among them had eaten all the candy.
After making a quick run to his favorite store, Bear Naked, he obtained the perfect outfit for his undercover endeavors. A simple collared blue polo, khakis, and black loafers. Disgusted he would have to wear such commonplace clothes but thrilled he would find out what his employees were up to, he got dressed with the utmost elation. At precisely 8:00 a.m., he was downstairs, ready to find out the traitor against the company he had worked so hard to start from nothing. He walked downstairs and saw … nothing. Not a living, breathing soul was there. “Fuck, I should’ve stayed in my room,” he thought as he sighed and headed outside. Perhaps, they were taking a break.
Rumble. Rumble. Rumble.
“I’m hungry,” he thought to himself as he stepped outside into the chilly night. Resolved to satisfy his appetite, he decided to head to the local McDonald’s. They had cheap food, and he couldn’t hold out much longer. After the long trudge, he finally saw the familiar golden arches and pushed his way inside.
“SURPRISE!” a loud combination of shouts from across the room screamed at once. He staggered backward, evidently surprised by this sincerest form of affection. Wolves and bunnies and birds alike jumped up and down to show their elation for this special day. Only one animal was not there. That fucking frog. Poisonous and annoying as all hell.
Skeptical, he excused himself to go “roll a blunt” and slipped out into the chilly night air. How was it already nighttime?
Where was he?
Disoriented, he started to stumble, his steps becoming shorter and more staggered, as he collapsed to the floor and fell into a long slumber.
When he awoke, he was disoriented by his new surroundings. Wait. He was back in his factory. So why did everything look pink? Why was it raining candy? Why was Bob the Pesky Unicorn sitting next to him licking his pink fur? He didn’t even know a unicorn named Bob.
Suddenly, he froze in his tracks, perking up his round ears for the sound of his sworn enemy. A low, rumbling Ribbit pierced the stone walls around him and reverberated towards him. He knew exactly who it was. Not able to move because of whatever toxin had entered his bloodstream, he looked up and saw a golden frog hopping towards him, a smug grin plastered on his stupid round face that looked like a pancake.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Golden?” he spat.
A croak that was supposed to resemble a laugh emitted from his throat as he hopped up on the chair that restricted the teddy bear’s movements.
“I’m here to *ribbit* take over the *ribbit* factory *ribbit*,” he said between loud croaks as he put his lanky arm on SB and chuckled to the best of his ability.
“I mean, let’s face it,” he continued, hopping down as he started making his way towards the door, “you’re just a washed up loser who spends his day smoking.”
A low growl emitted from his throat as he stood up, breaking free of his bonds and starting towards the frog.
“I may smoke but I can still sparkle bitch” the bear roared as he ran through the crates of freshly packaged candy. The boxes shattered like glass and glitter littered the sky as SB ran chasing the idiot of a frog. He soon caught up to Golden and grabbed him by the throat muttering his final words “I’m tired of your foolish games...Let The Ban Bong Be Spoken”. SB soon then grabbed his bong and bashed the toad into specks of cotton fluff.
SB slowly stood and looked about himself and all the broken boxes and candy scattered all over the floor. “Fuck! How in Candyland’s name are we going to finish the sales now?!” the bear roared to himself.
The bear resolved to put down his bong for once and get the sales finished, as they were looming over him like the bong he was yearning to hit. Taking a huge puff from it, he felt a mixture of placid calm and jubilant elation wash over him as he pressed back into his office and hit the megaphone button.
“Ten minutes until sales commence. Ten minutes!” he announced in his most official-sounding voice, the smoke still coating his lungs and making him cough at random intervals.
The animals all nodded in agreement and started passing boxes into piles: LaffyTaffy’s, M&M’s, Butterfingers and Hershey Bars all the same being stacked up in various intervals as they rushed to get the boxes prepared before the deadline.
BLLLLLEEEEEPPPP! The obnoxious alarm blared and red lights flashed against the concrete walls as the animals all jumped up and down in excitement that the work was all done.
The bear came downstairs for the last time.
“Let today be known as the day that we banded together to accomplish a common goal! And the day that I smoked this bar!” he said, chuckling, as he pulled out his lighter and a Hershey’s bar.
The animals all chuckled, used to such behavior, as they piled the boxes into an old Red Chevy truck...
Right on cue, as if fate would have it, a loud fart sounded from the back of the factory. They all parted way as Bob The Unicorn made his way through the crowd of various animals and stepped up to the car piled high with candy.
“Why the fuck did you fart?” the bear inquired, raising an eyebrow.
“Umm, something I ate,” the unicorn responded, burping loudly.
The animals ignored the weird behavior of the winged animal as they hitched him up to the sleigh and prepared him for takeoff.
“Commencing takeoff in 3...2...1,” the bear counted down and the unicorn started charging towards the open gates, slowly being lifted into the air, his wings flapping with a majestic quality never before being seen as he charged towards the clouds above.
The candy was delivered that night to each house, the efforts of a well-oiled team of workers making it all possible.
A colored blind owl, an energetic squirrel, an enthusiastic wolf, all under the instruction of their high-as-all-heck, psychotic, lovable, and bipolar bear of a boss named
He was Somebody420 and so far, this had been the best birthday he had had.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SB!
YOU PROMISED AND SAID WE COULD DO ANYTHING WITHOUT PUNISHMENT SO WE DID THISSS!!!