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DBUG HELP ME

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Okay so hey DBug, or anyone else that is listening. So this is seriously off topic but I didn't know how else to contact you so here we go:
I have to write a short story for my school assessments next week. I know you are an amazing writer, and I have written up a draft. Would you be able to give me some feedback (any1 else feel free to as well). It has to be set within a 5 minute time frame which is why I opted for walking out on to stage for the first time. Anyway:

Stage Fright:
There was no going back; this was it. Just the idea of stepping through those doors sent shudders down my spine. No. I couldn't do it - not a chance in hell. Gathering thoughts overcame my fragile body as I reflected on memories from earlier events. As soon as my clammy hands gripped the cold, rusted metal, my heart thumped as if to tell me no. A wave of nausea washed over me at the notion of what was about to come - there really was no going back…

Revenge: what was this moment for if not the sweet satisfaction of revenge. Truth be known, I would have rather been anywhere else but here right now. But I have to show them, show the people who doubted me what I am made of - I am courageous. The whispered taunts, the mocking jeers, the glances of pure, undisguised pity. Though it was so long since I’d been back, I still felt the noises ringing in my ear. Cries, laughter , screams, giggles, shouts. Slowly, painfully, images of past humiliations made their way into my mind. ‘You can do this,’ I told myself.

Bile rose to the top of my throat, accompanied by the acrid, bitter taste of stomach acid, threatening to overflow. I froze, stunned by the monstrous event laying in front of me, but after a few draining seconds, the world snapped back into focus. “Get yourself together, Ash, come on!” I looked in front of me, took a deep breath and stepped out of the shadows.

Blinding lights flushed my already blurred vision; a cacophony of noise arose from the crowd like a thundering storm. Timidly trembling, I murmured “Tell me it’s not true, say it’s just a-“ My mind raced as I saw the now silent crowd begin to shift uncomfortably in their seats. My pulse quickened and my stomach began to churn again. The once bellowing voices around me vanished into the clammy air. I glared at the wings and considered running back to the sanctuary of the bathroom, but my legs didn't seem to want to move - I was trapped.

Suddenly, my mind flashed back to the hundreds of shows I had ‘performed’ in front of mum and dad as a child. The rest of the crowd disappeared, and it was only my parents beaming eagerly at me, awaiting yet another one of my endless performances. I turned to the others on stage, and we began. I felt my cheeks flush, but for once, I didn't look down. I straightened my spine; my grin widened. I wasn't afraid anymore - in fact I couldn't even wait until the next performance!
Posted Feb 15, 17 · OP
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With regards to your content, you have some really strong imagery to "set the scene" for your story. I would flesh out the background and the imagery a bit more in my opinion - I like to be SUPER descriptive when I write, as it's just my style of writing and I can really see the scene in my head when I'm creating a story and I want to be able to put that into words, hence all the imagery and description when I write, but understandably, if that isn't necessarily your style of writing or it doesn't fit within the criteria of your assignment, you can disregard that.

Overall, good job though. I enjoy your use of alliteration and the style in which you wrote. Grammatically speaking, you have very good syntax and variety in your sentence structure. Good job and I bid you good luck on your assessments!

Your humble servant,

Dbug_2002
Posted Feb 15, 17
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Also, I'm not that good of a writer, but I appreciate the compliment, nonetheless.

Your humble servant,

Dbug_2002
Posted Feb 15, 17
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Thanks that means a lot, do you have any specific areas of improvement.
Posted Feb 15, 17 · OP
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Not really, I would just say flesh out the description and improve your imagery where you can.

Your humble servant,

Dbug_2002
Posted Feb 15, 17
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